Who am I?

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I am a closeted 30 something woman. I am also a slightly neurotic PhD student (is there any other kind of grad student?). My hope is that one day soon I'll be able to fully come out. I see this blog as a therapeutic step along the way!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Well Sh*t!!!

So yesterday's Card Carrying Lesbian post:
Chapter 1: She’s just not that gay! hit mighty close to home.  You gotta love drunken friends that you are attracted to despite their neuroses and who hit on you like a mother f%?&er after drinking like it's their job at a party (please reference last paragraph of the above mentioned article - yes she did make out with a man at the party)!  Now I'm stuck with the proverbial blue balls (apparently known as pink balls or 'vasocongestion' for women [this is my useless fact of the day]).   Gotta love the old straight 'curious' girl - who loves everything but going down on other women or going anywhere near her lady parts....In other words: you f*ck me and I'll....kiss you????  Then you have the awkward next day sober...DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! 
New pre new-years resolution: Never mess around with friends, EVER - unless you're sure as hell that they are gay and have the same intentions as you.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Aphrodite in my bed

Well, it has been a while since I have written, but since I am an audience of one I don't think it matters.  I have made progress in the meantime.  I have come out to a handful of friends.  My decision has come with the intent of no longer directly hiding myself...surprisingly (or not, I haven't decided) this has led to many opportunities.  Only once have I gone against this new rule and it was with my uncle....I forget the details of how this transpired, but the second I denied (by omission) who I really was, I felt it like a stab in the heart.  I have now officially come out to a handful of friends from home and half come out (should that be possible) to a few friends from school. 
How does one half come out you may ask?  They know that I have slept with a woman, but not that this is my preference. 
Since this whole attempt at liberation, I have had the luck of meeting a lovely woman...It was on Canada day.  The spark was instant, but the reality was that she already has a girlfriend..although the flirting has been non-stop :).  It's at least good to know that my gaydar is still in tact. 
My biggest dilemma, however, is the lovely Mrs. T.  A friend, whom I managed to come out to long ago, who most definitely flirts...a lot.  She is however, straight, I am sure of it.  The comments and the flirting, in the meantime, don't stop.  She is beautiful, funny, sexy and to be quite honest, drives me mental (both in the good and bad way)... I know that if I were to make a move at the opportune time, I would probably be successful, but in my heart of hearts I know she is a straight girl and that the friendship we have built would be ruined. 
She is moving in a day to the other side of the world.  I was supposed to join her, but due to a lot of madness am not able to quite yet.  I did not do so in the intention of making anything happen.   Her friendship is way too dear to me.  I am going to miss her though and I am dying that she is in my bed right now while I sit here and write this :) (I am only human!).  I know I will see her in six months when I move to the other side of the world...however, I am going crazy that the straight girl who flirts with me is in my bed right now...I guess it all comes down to what you are willing to risk and to sacrifice.  I know in my heart of hearts that she is straight.  Any digression from this line would be purely experiential - I know that on my end, any deviation would mean a hell of a lot more than that....so that abstinence that they always preached in gym class, that we all gaffed at, is the route I am going to take.
To me, Always love is the key.  Even though I am most definitely attracted to her, I know that if my choice is to 'always love her' than regardless of her impulses and my attraction, my best bet is to put our friendship above all else...despite the fact that every ounce of my being is screaming at me right now. 
So, while she sleeps, I'll write and I'll work....I wish I was Adonis (fuck that, I wish I was venus! Now that would have been a good match!) then Aphrodite would no longer be lonely tonight.

Wishing for love,

The lonely heart

Sunday, 26 June 2011

The book store and the lovely Mrs Y

I secretly buy books in the presence of friends: Tipping the Velvet, Giovanni's Room, Sing You Home... I say in secret because I fell they could never know the significance of buying these books to me, not to mention that unless you are a librarian or are specifically looking for them, you would never know what they are about.  

-She grabs one from my hand gleans the cover and the only thing on the back sleeve is a whole page picture of the author
-My heart is beating a mile a minute

This covert book buying is about as brave as I get in the face of friends.  That and purchasing the L Word picture book which will surely show up on my credit card statement

-Does my snooping mother know what the L Word is?

The covert book buying is more than a game, it's the most pathetic attempt at outing myself without having to say the words that I have come up with.  

-I'm screaming on the inside "JUST TELL ME YOU KNOW!"
-She blankly hands the book back to me and continues on about an argument she had with her husband the night before.

She, at least I think, is the closest anyone has ever come to figuring it out.  She is my incredibly religious friend whom I lived with in 4th year.  She's skirted around the issue with me before.  The year I lived with her I had a head over heels crush on a woman from U of X. We met via a mutual friend.  Me and this friend, we will call her R, were in the library one day grabbing a coffee.  All of a sudden this woman walks by us and R stops her to say hi.  I was immediately blown away by her (Y).  There was just something about her that I couldn't put my finger on.  Our exchange was brief, but it stayed with me all day.  The next day I was starting a language class that I was taking as a throw away credit.  I'm sitting in the classroom when in walks in our T.A.  My heart nearly jumped out of my throat, it was Y.  That was the best damn class I've ever taken, if only because I would sit through those 50 minute sessions with butterflies in my stomach.  It was like a drug.  To this very day when I see her in the halls of U of X my stomach churns.  She is now married to a lovely woman that she met on her travels in Europe.  Her wife is not the biggest fan of me.  We had been keeping in contact, but since the wedding last summer we haven't really talked except to say hi now and again.  I had only ever felt this way about two people before in my life.  One was a random police officer that used to work midnights when I worked the night shift at a coffee shop.  I probably should have known then...The other is my very straight best friend, those feelings dissipated back in high school and have evolved into the most beautiful friendship.  

I really can't believe it took me so long to figure it out for myself.  I have never felt that spark with a man.  It was really with Y the T.A. that things started to turn around.  It was with her that I could no longer deny that I was gay.  Out the window were all the other theories, like that I was just asexual or some other kind of different.  In the end, knowing it and admitting it are two different things.  I have gone through moments where I have wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but a comment usually shoves me back inside the closet.  My fave from my father "if either of you girls are gay just don't tell me, I don't want to know."  I love my dad and in reality I don't think this is how he actually feels, but when you hear it, especially when you are just coming out to yourself, you kind of cower back into your turtle shell.

I guess for now, I'll just continue with the covert book buying and hope for the best.  I am an educated woman, I know this will get me nowhere, but hey I'm taking steps! 

Strayt Girl

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Who am I? (no it's not gossip girl): Coming out...kind of

The title of this post is a tad bit deceiving.  I hope that at the culmination of this "project" I will be able to reveal who I am.  The problem is, I am the project and I am a huge ball of mess.  

The stats:
  • 30 something
  • Female
  • Teacher at U of X (did you think I was going to make it that easy?)
  • heading towards a PhD
  • Lesbian
  • Enjoys long walks on the beach
Ok, the last point is a bunch of B.S..  Actually, I do enjoy long walks on the beach, but not enough to include them in the official stats.

Now about the title of my blog...I chose confessions of a "strayt" girl, because...well...I am a 30 something female who walks the earth pretending to be straight.  Yes, I'm gay.  It feels SO liberating to say that, but of course it is easy to confess since I am still confined to this box shrouded in anonymity. 

What you can expect from me...well, I don't really know.  I plan on using this platform to get to me.  I am totally and completely in the closet.  If the closet had a closet, that is where I would be.  I think you get the picture.  This blog holds me responsible.  I can't go cower in denial, as I have done on many occasions in the past. These posts will force me to actively face the cold hard truth.  That I am Canadian a lesbian. My plan is to be as uncensored as possible (while paradoxically masking my identity as well as the identities of the people and places I mention)  It is my hope that through writing and through actively facing who I am, that unlike gossip girl, I will one day be able to reveal my identity to you.  The first few posts will come rather quickly, as this is something that was born on paper that I decided needs to be housed online.  So if anybody is reading, please be patient with my closeted self.  I understand that I have put myself out there in a very open forum.  Whereas I do appreciate feedback and comments, please keep them appropriate and please understand that this is my process. 

So for now 

Strayt Girl