So yesterday's Card Carrying Lesbian post:
Who am I?
- Jade (totally a fake name)
- I am a closeted 30 something woman. I am also a slightly neurotic PhD student (is there any other kind of grad student?). My hope is that one day soon I'll be able to fully come out. I see this blog as a therapeutic step along the way!
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Well Sh*t!!!
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Aphrodite in my bed
Well, it has been a while since I have written, but since I am an audience of one I don't think it matters. I have made progress in the meantime. I have come out to a handful of friends. My decision has come with the intent of no longer directly hiding myself...surprisingly (or not, I haven't decided) this has led to many opportunities. Only once have I gone against this new rule and it was with my uncle....I forget the details of how this transpired, but the second I denied (by omission) who I really was, I felt it like a stab in the heart. I have now officially come out to a handful of friends from home and half come out (should that be possible) to a few friends from school.
How does one half come out you may ask? They know that I have slept with a woman, but not that this is my preference.
Since this whole attempt at liberation, I have had the luck of meeting a lovely woman...It was on Canada day. The spark was instant, but the reality was that she already has a girlfriend..although the flirting has been non-stop :). It's at least good to know that my gaydar is still in tact.
My biggest dilemma, however, is the lovely Mrs. T. A friend, whom I managed to come out to long ago, who most definitely flirts...a lot. She is however, straight, I am sure of it. The comments and the flirting, in the meantime, don't stop. She is beautiful, funny, sexy and to be quite honest, drives me mental (both in the good and bad way)... I know that if I were to make a move at the opportune time, I would probably be successful, but in my heart of hearts I know she is a straight girl and that the friendship we have built would be ruined.
She is moving in a day to the other side of the world. I was supposed to join her, but due to a lot of madness am not able to quite yet. I did not do so in the intention of making anything happen. Her friendship is way too dear to me. I am going to miss her though and I am dying that she is in my bed right now while I sit here and write this :) (I am only human!). I know I will see her in six months when I move to the other side of the world...however, I am going crazy that the straight girl who flirts with me is in my bed right now...I guess it all comes down to what you are willing to risk and to sacrifice. I know in my heart of hearts that she is straight. Any digression from this line would be purely experiential - I know that on my end, any deviation would mean a hell of a lot more than that....so that abstinence that they always preached in gym class, that we all gaffed at, is the route I am going to take.
To me, Always love is the key. Even though I am most definitely attracted to her, I know that if my choice is to 'always love her' than regardless of her impulses and my attraction, my best bet is to put our friendship above all else...despite the fact that every ounce of my being is screaming at me right now.
So, while she sleeps, I'll write and I'll work....I wish I was Adonis (fuck that, I wish I was venus! Now that would have been a good match!) then Aphrodite would no longer be lonely tonight.
Wishing for love,
The lonely heart
How does one half come out you may ask? They know that I have slept with a woman, but not that this is my preference.
Since this whole attempt at liberation, I have had the luck of meeting a lovely woman...It was on Canada day. The spark was instant, but the reality was that she already has a girlfriend..although the flirting has been non-stop :). It's at least good to know that my gaydar is still in tact.
My biggest dilemma, however, is the lovely Mrs. T. A friend, whom I managed to come out to long ago, who most definitely flirts...a lot. She is however, straight, I am sure of it. The comments and the flirting, in the meantime, don't stop. She is beautiful, funny, sexy and to be quite honest, drives me mental (both in the good and bad way)... I know that if I were to make a move at the opportune time, I would probably be successful, but in my heart of hearts I know she is a straight girl and that the friendship we have built would be ruined.
She is moving in a day to the other side of the world. I was supposed to join her, but due to a lot of madness am not able to quite yet. I did not do so in the intention of making anything happen. Her friendship is way too dear to me. I am going to miss her though and I am dying that she is in my bed right now while I sit here and write this :) (I am only human!). I know I will see her in six months when I move to the other side of the world...however, I am going crazy that the straight girl who flirts with me is in my bed right now...I guess it all comes down to what you are willing to risk and to sacrifice. I know in my heart of hearts that she is straight. Any digression from this line would be purely experiential - I know that on my end, any deviation would mean a hell of a lot more than that....so that abstinence that they always preached in gym class, that we all gaffed at, is the route I am going to take.
To me, Always love is the key. Even though I am most definitely attracted to her, I know that if my choice is to 'always love her' than regardless of her impulses and my attraction, my best bet is to put our friendship above all else...despite the fact that every ounce of my being is screaming at me right now.
So, while she sleeps, I'll write and I'll work....I wish I was Adonis (fuck that, I wish I was venus! Now that would have been a good match!) then Aphrodite would no longer be lonely tonight.
Wishing for love,
The lonely heart
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