The book store and the lovely Mrs Y

I secretly buy books in the presence of friends: Tipping the Velvet, Giovanni's Room, Sing You Home... I say in secret because I fell they could never know the significance of buying these books to me, not to mention that unless you are a librarian or are specifically looking for them, you would never know what they are about.  

-She grabs one from my hand gleans the cover and the only thing on the back sleeve is a whole page picture of the author
-My heart is beating a mile a minute

This covert book buying is about as brave as I get in the face of friends.  That and purchasing the L Word picture book which will surely show up on my credit card statement

-Does my snooping mother know what the L Word is?

The covert book buying is more than a game, it's the most pathetic attempt at outing myself without having to say the words that I have come up with.  

-I'm screaming on the inside "JUST TELL ME YOU KNOW!"
-She blankly hands the book back to me and continues on about an argument she had with her husband the night before.

She, at least I think, is the closest anyone has ever come to figuring it out.  She is my incredibly religious friend whom I lived with in 4th year.  She's skirted around the issue with me before.  The year I lived with her I had a head over heels crush on a woman from U of X. We met via a mutual friend.  Me and this friend, we will call her R, were in the library one day grabbing a coffee.  All of a sudden this woman walks by us and R stops her to say hi.  I was immediately blown away by her (Y).  There was just something about her that I couldn't put my finger on.  Our exchange was brief, but it stayed with me all day.  The next day I was starting a language class that I was taking as a throw away credit.  I'm sitting in the classroom when in walks in our T.A.  My heart nearly jumped out of my throat, it was Y.  That was the best damn class I've ever taken, if only because I would sit through those 50 minute sessions with butterflies in my stomach.  It was like a drug.  To this very day when I see her in the halls of U of X my stomach churns.  She is now married to a lovely woman that she met on her travels in Europe.  Her wife is not the biggest fan of me.  We had been keeping in contact, but since the wedding last summer we haven't really talked except to say hi now and again.  I had only ever felt this way about two people before in my life.  One was a random police officer that used to work midnights when I worked the night shift at a coffee shop.  I probably should have known then...The other is my very straight best friend, those feelings dissipated back in high school and have evolved into the most beautiful friendship.  

I really can't believe it took me so long to figure it out for myself.  I have never felt that spark with a man.  It was really with Y the T.A. that things started to turn around.  It was with her that I could no longer deny that I was gay.  Out the window were all the other theories, like that I was just asexual or some other kind of different.  In the end, knowing it and admitting it are two different things.  I have gone through moments where I have wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but a comment usually shoves me back inside the closet.  My fave from my father "if either of you girls are gay just don't tell me, I don't want to know."  I love my dad and in reality I don't think this is how he actually feels, but when you hear it, especially when you are just coming out to yourself, you kind of cower back into your turtle shell.


I guess for now, I'll just continue with the covert book buying and hope for the best.  I am an educated woman, I know this will get me nowhere, but hey I'm taking steps! 


Strayt Girl